Ah, irrational hatred in the morning

Me (having a relatively skinny day, I think): Good morning!

Patient who instantly hates me for no clear reason: ::suspicious glare:: You pregnant?

Me: No, awkward ha ha, I just had a baby 7 weeks ago.

Full-of-hate: But you still got a bump like you pregnant.

Me: Okay. ::pointedly polite smile:: How can I help you today?

::Patient's friend enters the room:

FOH to friend: "This doctor isn't pregnant even though she got a tummy like she is."

Awesome.

It's all a matter of perspective

7:15am, first visit of the day at the peds urgent visit center. 17 year old male with no known medical problems.

Me: Hi! I'm Dr. Scopes. What brings you in today?

Him: So. . . ::dramatic sigh:: I'm trying to get it on with my lady last night and, I couldn't get it up for long enough.

Me: . . . . . Um. ::blink blink:: . . . . .

Him: Like she's hot and everything and it's all cool, but then when we go to do it, it just doesn't work any more.

Me: Well, we'll definitely try to help you out, but you know, this is the urgent visit center, it's really for people who are sick. You should probably talk to your regular doctor about this.

Him: Ma'am. It's an emergency to me.

Spelling 101

True baby name:

Lyllylla (I attempted to pronounce this as written and mom stared at me like I was a
block of cement. "It's Li-la." ::what's-wrong-with-you-glare::)

Bruklon (Mom: we just love New York.)

Teon and Tion (Twins! Pronunciation? Exactly the same.)

Sir Prince William (What do I even say when I enter the room? I said "William?" ::withering death stare from dad:: "It's Sir Prince. William's his middle name." My bad.)

Babyboy (A 32 year old. Legal name.)

Shocking

Scopes MD: So ma'am (stretching the term a bit), what makes your rectal pain worse?

Patient: When I wear a thong.

Neat-o

We are using maggot therapy on one of our patients with a terrible pressure ulcer.

It's endlessly delightful to pretend to be ultra-scientific about dumping a bunch of creepy-crawlies into sores. We use 4-5 maggots per square inch of wound. The dead tissue can usually be removed by 1-3 "applications."

The good news is it works, fantastically. Our patient loves it, says it's not uncomfortable at all.

It's working so well for him, in fact, that I got to spend a good part of my day was filling out forms to try to get Medicare to cover home maggot therapy.

We'll see if it goes through.

overseen in a chart

"Psychiatry was consulted, state that patient is not acutely suicidal or a threat to himself or others. Patient continues to state that he will jump off a bridge if discharged from the hospital."

Hmm

Unclear on the concept part 10,000

I see a patient at 3:17 am. She's been sitting in the waiting room less than 23 minutes, which is the equivalent of a minor miracle in an urban emergency department on a Saturday night.

"Wow. Took you long enough. I got a situation here."

I ignore this.

"An urgent situation. My boyfriend's wife (managing to make this word sound like a weird necrotizing fungal infection) is claiming that I gave him trichomonomas (I'm guessing she means trichomonas?). I need you to test me for it. But I can't wait for the results, I got to get to work, so when you get them just call her and him and tell them that I'm clean. And hurry up please."

Sometimes the trouble with the emergency department is that the patients are allowed to come up with their own definition of emergency.

(She was clean, surprisingly. No I did not call the boyfriend. Or his wife. Patient confidentiality, I respect it.)

Another one . . .

. . for the list of things I didn't realize I needed to be worried about.

Called to one of our shock rooms for a woman in profound shock due to vaginal bleeding.

We started fluids, ordered blood, called Ob-gyn and then asked her how long the bleeding had been going on.

-1 hour.

Have you ever had bleeding before?

-Never.

What were you doing when it started?

-Sex.

Any foreign objects. Toys?

-Just normal sex.

So we stuck in a speculum to take a look.

She had a 3 cm laceration through the wall of her vagina.

Yes. Her boyfriend . . . popped her vagina.

She ended up going straight to the OR.

The even scarier part?

When I went to find the staff physician to let him know about the patient, he wasn't at all shocked. "Oh yeah," he said, "we saw the same thing two weeks ago."

This happens???

Oh no!

You know it's a Saturday night when not one, but three, of your patients are arrested while under your care in the emergency department.

For the record: screaming "fuck the cops!" while displaying your kill the police tattoo as you walk by the, well, cops, sitting at the security desk, intentionally peeing on your nurse (twice), and trying to hump an ultrasound machine, all poor ways to pass the time while you're waiting for your doctor.

Well there goes that

I spent a good hour and a half throwing two layers of stitches into the head of a borderline white supremacist ("I don't think I hate black people or Jews, I just don't really know any or want to"). I passed the time by trying my best to make neutral conversation with his "third and final baby-mama," as he introduced her to me.

This snipped of conversation pretty much changed the destiny of my unborn child.

Baby-mama 3: What are you thinking of naming your baby?

Me, reluctantly: common boy name

BM3: No!! No way!!! That's what my first baby-daddy is named and he always locked up. He been locked up like 3 times in the past year. Don't choose that name.

Yup, back to babynames.com I go.