The babies are coming . . .

Yup, I'm on newborn wards now.

Our staff physician, Dr. Z, is notorious for her anti-bra, anti-hospital-childbirth, anti-baby-shampoo ways. She preaches skin-to-skin contact between mother and baby 20+ hours a day for the first 6 months and rumors abound that she breast-fed her own children until the age of either 4 or 9, depending on who's recounting the legend.

If she asks a question about what's wrong with a baby, 9 times out of 10 the answer she's looking for is that we broke it. All you have to say is "well, the mom opted for an epidural and is bottle feeding, that could explain the baby's [birthmark/heart murmur/poor feeding/rash/dysmorphic features/lack of limbs/etc.]" and she may jump up and hug you.

She's fond of picking up a newborn, holding it at arms length, sniffing, and with a just-stepped-in-dog-poo expression declaring: "this one is obviously bottle fed."

As my senior resident was leaving for the day prior to my first overnight call, I stopped him in the hallway. "Should I call Dr. Z overnight if there's a problem with any of the newborns?"

He considered for a moment. "No, about the only reason you'd call her is if you're thirsty for some breast milk."

overheard in peds clinic

And oh I wish I was making this up.

Resident: Has your [9 month old] baby started eating solid foods yet?

Dad: Well, yes. Mostly we feed him skittles.

::long pause::

Resident: I'm not sure that we would recommend skittles for a nine month old. They're a choking hazard.

Dad: No, it's okay. I chew them up for him first.

Obviously

Dood presents with a minor skin infection.

Me: Doo doo doo doo. Okay, any other medical problems?

Him: Nope.

Me: You're a generally healthy guy aside from this infection.

Him: Yup.

::Hours and hours later::

Him: Is my blood count normal?

Me: Yes, totally normal.

Him: Oh good, cause I have HIV so I was curious.

Me: ::pause:: You're HIV positive? Any other medical problems I should know about?

Him: Oh, you didn't know? I thought you all could tell that stuff.

(Oops, I appear to have forgotten my physician-x-ray-vision glasses at home).

WHYYY?

Pleasant 3o-something dude in room 12, chief complaint of rectal bleeding and pain since 2am.

Me: Did you insert anything in your bottom?

Him: Ew, no.

Me: Have you had anal intercourse recently.

Him: Not recently

Me: Did you do anything unusual last night that might have irritated the skin down there?

Him: Not really no.

Me: Well, what were you doing when the pain started?

Him: I was doing a douche.

Me: Like an enema?

Him: Yeah, with peroxide.

Mmhm. Child gave himself an enema with hydrogen peroxide (note in above dialogue that he does not consider this unusual behavior).

He never really gave me any reasoning behind this decision.

The irritation was so extensive that we ended up admitting him for observation.

Moral of the story, don't do that.

Priorities

A young woman came in on New Year's Eve with medium-sized pieces of a beer bottle embedded in her neck and back.

I quickly assessed that she was relatively stable, though bleeding, ordered a few images, and asked her what was bothering her.

"My neck hurts a little cause there's glass in it or something. And I have these bumps in my butt crack. They're itchy. It's probably herpes from my a**hole husband. Can you look at those?"

----------------------------------------------

Hours later, after consulting ENT, trauma surgery, and the CT scanner to very thoroughly confirm that the glass hadn't nicked any minor structures like the carotid artery or the spinal cord, I sewed her up (23 stitches), bandaged her, provided a life-saving tetanus shot, then helped her find a battered women's shelter to stay in, set her up with social work to work on getting a restraining order against her husband, and finally got her discharge stuff ready.

I turned to leave.

"Doctor. What about them bumps I got?"

(I'm so sorry, ma'am, I was every so slightly distracted by your gaping neck wound and trying to safely sneak you out of the hospital with your abusive husband literally in the room across the hall).

Well, I did take a look.

Discharge diagnoses?

1. 4 cm zone II neck laceration

2. 7 cm back laceration

3. Anal Herpes

Overheard in the peds ER

Doc: We can give you one shot now, or we can give you pills to take for a week. Which would you like?

9 year old: Pills!

Grandpa of the 9 year old: What are you, a marshmallow? Take the shot and take it like a man.

9 year old: I'll take the shot.