Highlights of my Israeli wedding- a cautionary tale

After explicit and vaguely violent assertions that yes he absolutely, positively had years and years of experience with American wedding cakes and he understood exactly what I wanted and I definitely, assuredly did not need to bring him pictures or check on the cake myself because he is the world expert on wedding cakes, this is what our Israeli wedding planner came up with:



My guess is that he googled "American wedding cake" about two hours before the wedding, pasted together four cakes he happened to have back in the kitchen, tried to hide the icing mistakes with ribbons, put it on the giant roll-y thing in an effort to disguise the fact that it's about 1/16th the size a wedding cake is actually supposed to be, then remembered as he was rolling it out that I had requested flowers, so he grabbed a giant pink plastic flower most likely left over from a bar mitzah the previous day and threw it on top. Very creative, actually.
(Note: this is actually the way the cake looked when it was first wheeled out. This is our wedding cake at it's very best. This is not, as it may appear, our wedding cake after a long night of drinking tequila, making out with strippers, and dancing on bars.)

And then, the ceremony itself. . .
Our actual conversation with the DJ:
DJ: When do you want the sparklers?
Husband and I: No. No sparklers. We do not want sparklers.
DJ: They're included in the price.
Husband and I: We don't want sparklers at our wedding.
DJ: I was thinking just when the bride walks in.
Me: ::As emphatically no as possible:: No no no no no no no. (I even had my husband repeat this is better Hebrew for emphasis)
DJ: Oh, so you don't want sparklers?
Us: Correct, no sparklers.